I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He better not be in your backpack
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
