u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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