I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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