So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Randomize
