I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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