I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize
