The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
