My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
