Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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