8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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