Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
