I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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