i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
