Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
