This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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