I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize