Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
