the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
