You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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