Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize