i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
