Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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