Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
