I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
