C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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