im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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