hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
