not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
