Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Drunk is a universal language darling
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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