she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
