Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
