good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize