I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize