Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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