i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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