I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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