my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize