census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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