The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize