just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
