How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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