he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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