life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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