there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
