is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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