Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
