my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
