Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
