Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
