i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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