When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize