We're facebook friends in real life
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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