just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize